• Polina Gazeeva


So we met again today. Actually, they are still here, staring at me. As always. Once they decide to surprise me with their presence, it is quite hard to make them leave. Mostly, I just need to wait. Which makes it very inconvenient, as I never know how long it will take. But eventually they should be gone.

So, how do I describe what they are like the best? They enjoy confusion, and conversations always end up with them telling me something in the lines of: “You remember that movie idea you had a year ago? Well, do you see how you still haven’t done anything about it? Exactly”. I wonder why I would let someone like that be in my life, but there is something captivating about them. I mean, don’t we all enjoy being just a little masochistic once in a while? Don’t we all have that one (?) relationship we know isn’t exactly what we call “healthy”, but it is just too fascinating in its own way to let go of it?

Sometimes we get coffee. At 8 in the evening on an empty stomach, of course. Mostly, though, we meet in my house. Usually, we don’t do much. We talk. They sit on the couch with their arms crossed and one leg resting on the chair. Sometimes, we get into fights. Then, it is all just a mess. There is broken glass, clothes everywhere, torn apart pieces of paper with my drawings on them. We also light up candles. Maybe spill some of the wax on the table. Maybe spill some of it on my hand.

It is pretty hard around them. I usually get way too focused on them, and other things lose their meaning. That’s what I like the least about them. Their ability to consume me whole. It gets hard to breath. But I can never do anything about it. They become everyone and everything that fills up my life. Usually, somewhere in the back of my head I know there are others, I know life is not just them. Not forever. But I feel hypnotised. I spiral over them over and over again. It is just them, and there is no end. I have no control. They are in charge. Until they leave. And I am free to live until the next time.

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